i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
