I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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