There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
