2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
