God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
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