i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
