sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
