2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
