Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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