someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
