I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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