I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
It's just like the Real World with babies
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
