I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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