The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
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