yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
