Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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