if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
why do cheetos always look like penises
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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