I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
