I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
