I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I want a musical about memes.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
