we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
