I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
