I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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