who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
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