I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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