My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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