i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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