You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Randomize
