I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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