the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
