I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
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