Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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