So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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