Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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