it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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