his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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