He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
