I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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