In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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