Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
