what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
