Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
