so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
