I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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