And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
