apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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