it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
The beer is more important than you right now.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
