but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
