Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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