the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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