Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
