He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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