sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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