Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
