She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
