I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
ttyl tear gas
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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