Got a toothbrush?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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